dear boy,
1. that's right; you don't even get an identifying initial - you're replaceable, eraseable. i just need to get this buzzing braincloud out of my head, onto paper, and you'll be gone. i'll distill your smile down into LCD letters, illuminated on a screen, transient bits of data that can be deleted with one tap of a button. but then i remember that tapestry on your ceiling and... fuck.
2. i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said those things to you. it's because i'm impulsive, but you should've realized that by now. if you didn't after our first fabulously fucked-up night, then it's your own damn fault. anyway, i'm not ready for this; i don't know if i'll ever be, because honestly i don't know you at all.
3. you still have my earrings. fuck.
4. i guess this is all pretty confusing, huh? okay, allow me to explain where i'm coming from:
so about a month ago i meet this boy at a bar. he's really cute; he's sweet and straightforward and kinda dorky. i'm intrigued. and then he gets a little intense, too much too soon, and maybe i should be scared off but i ignore it because i like need the attention. i mean texting me all the time, asking to stop by for a kiss on the way home, talking about 'our first time,' being cute and sweet and a little bit needy, and i eat it up. this kid must really like me, right?
and so i fall for him. hard. i turn down the volume on that little voice that says THIS IS A BAD IDEA and just jump. and for about a week it's wonderful; we talk and kiss and touch and get so fucking turned on that there's gotta be something serious going on here. i should really know better than that by now.
and then, after holding out as long as we fucking possibly could (and also waiting for that perfect opportunity), we sleep together. it's great. the entire night is pretty fucking fantastic. but then in the morning there isn't anything left to say, so we part ways with a vague see-you-when-i-see-you goodbye. both of us now too scared to be earnest - no, wait; i have no idea what you were feeling. i'm just projecting. i was too scared to show how much i was into you, but i was like that from the start. so what's your excuse? please, i'm all ears.
so things start to fizzle out. and i fight against it, battles staked out in my brain, cold rationality versus hot-headed reaction. you drove me nuts, kid, you really did; because i had no clue what went wrong. and clearly, something must have gone wrong - why did you stop calling?
i just want to know if it's something i did.
5. i shouldn't leave my letter on that note, as much as i'd like to. i need closure, catharsis via castration. this ends now; and i'll tell you that if you care enough to chase after me. i can't see you anymore, although i still really want to.
6. we were a fantastic false start. goodbye.